It is OK for your children to see you cry! Today I decided early in the day....I was gonna skip my blog day! I pondered all day....and realized, that just maybe this ol' blogging thing might be healthy! I am just gonna put my feelings down......hang them out there for the world to see....and maybe someone is feeling the same way I am......but the end of the Holiday season has approached! As cleansing as it is....to get all my Christmas stuff out is exciting...my burried treasures of yesterday!....BUT I go into a bit of depression putting it away! Toby Keith (country singer) has a new song out....it played last night on the radio.....it is I am not crying for you...I am crying for me! It was a song about someone he loved, had passed....and he was sad.....as I stood in the kitchen preparing dinner...tears fell to the floor...and Gina (my 12 year old) came up to me and gave me a hug! In my young years I would have shunned away, as for her not to see me cry.....but my years on this earth.....tells me that she needs to see that I too, like her.....feel sadness...and hurt sometimes. Tomorrow, I will put away all of mother's things...that I have from her.....most of the memories I have tangable that belonged to her...the reason for the admiration of the christmas holiday. Her spirit is here with me more at christmas than any other time because her stuff is all around me! Her ornaments, her ceramics, her signature on the back of things.....and I miss her so much this time of year. My heart breaks for my friends, who too, have lost a parent, but breaks even more for a few of my friends and sisters.....who have lost BOTH parents! I still have a parent......but to you that have lost both of your parents must be twice as lonely! I am sorry and feeling sad for you too tonight!
My mother was the light of my life and truely my best friend. For years, like the Toby Keith song....I would call her number.....just because....it just seemed like she should answer! This marks the 14th Christmas without her....truely her favorite holiday too! She was 52....and for me that is only 9 years away......and that seems so young!
Tomorrow, I will pack up all of her memories for another year! Those of you who know me, know that Christmas is my favorite time of year, and now, you understand why! The things that I have sitting around my home.....during the holidays......is a daily reminder of her spirit and what she truely meant to me! I will put away all the signatures....the things....the smells.....the memories! I am struggling tonight but thought that truely that is what blogging is all about RAW feelings! For some reason...I feel her more...and miss her less in the holiday season! So here's too the other 8 months of the year...that her memory will be locked up in boxes, totes and bubble wrap......until next NOVEMBER! Ok...enough about me....if you are reading this....and you have lost a parent or TWO......I am standing with you tonight....in memory of your mom or dad...and say....I feel your loss too! Sorry if this made you sad...not the intention......BUT the tears we shed, when we remember, is just proof that they are still remembered! I guess.....if we don't cry for their absence...would mean that we don't remember what they meant to us! So........maybe this too, could be an addition to a simplier life. It is cleansing for the soul to remember the ones we have lost......good for us to know they are remembered and loved forever. I love you Bonnie Lee! You will will always be the part of me......I miss here on earth....but someday will see you again in heaven! I know you watch over me...and hanging there with Granpa...Granma......Harold..... & Nana...hope you don't all get into any trouble! Watch over my girls.....They love you too! You are truely my best friend! See you all tomorrow!
Praying for you Bev. It is good and healthy to express your feelings about those we have loved and lost. We know we will see them again, but in the meantime there is a empty void in our hearts that will always be there until that time. It doesn't stop us from being happy or from living but every once in a while as you felt this day is hurts and we become more aware of it. I know because I feel that same pain from time to time. When we were making the slidshow it really hit me but in the end it was good and cleansing as you said. Love you, Kath
ReplyDeleteWow, that was soooo on the mark, Bev. Having lost my mom, my best friend, 12 years ago, and now just losing my dad right before Thanksgiving...yeah, I hear you loud and clear. I'm glad you're blogging; you bring freshness and joy to everything you do; even the difficult topics! This was good to read and not depressing at all! I will think on this often as these last few days have been really hard. I love you. Nancy
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